Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Long Horn-Honkers

Long Horn-Honkers!

by Randy R Cox

Long horn-honkers are people who wield the horn on an automobile like it was a weapon. They press hard enough on the button to crush the skull of the other driver if the hands were there. Some really long horn-honkers use both hands as if wrapped around the other person's throat.

The horn was only designed to warn another motorist or pedestrian of a possible hazard.

You watch someone backing up and there is an object the other driver can’t see…you honk your horn. If your brakes fail at an intersection, you honk your horn and hope for the best as you sail through.

One driver drifts from his lane a bit; another driver touches his horn to alert the first driver there is a small problem. A driver’s mind wanders as he waits for a traffic light to turn green, the driver behind him taps his horn slightly to put him back on course.

Proper use of the horn can save lives and property.

You see someone on the road that you know, or you want to hurry someone you are waiting for, you might tap the horn lightly. It might not be approved use by your manufacturer’s handbook, but the world probably won’t end if you do this on rare occasion.

These things are usually not a problem to other drivers, but some driver’s are more poisonous than others. Like a rattlesnake uses his rattle to warn others of the danger they present, some drivers use the horn to warn before they strike.

It is an outburst of rage, audio terrorism. It is a venting of anger so severe, the long horn-blower might actually explode if the pressure relief of the horn wasn’t available. Car bombers and Camel-kazi terrorists probably all demonstrated the sign of their inevitable violent act of destruction by first pressing their auto horns so hard and so long as to shatter windows nearby.

Doctors recognize long horn-honking as an early symptom of dangerous psychotic behavior. Long horn-honkers require immediate physical restraint, observation and careful treatment in institutions of mental dysfunction. Other symptoms associated with this illness include a cramping of the muscles of the hand which cause all fingers but the middle one to curl back toward the palm. Facial muscles, during an attack, may twist up the face baring teeth like a dog ready to bite. The eyes often glare and pierce with intent to kill.

The best a normal human can do is avoid these anti-social ticking bombs. If we are caught in inescapable situations, there is one tactic that sometimes interrupts the pattern of the psychopath long enough to avoid inevitable homicide.

The target of hostility can act as if the crazed driver is simply trying to say, “hello!” If one meets the the challenge of the upthrust finger as a greeting rather than a threat, it confuses the mentally challenged road criminal. The target can catch the eye of the long horn-honker, wink, smile and wave with friendly sincerity. The more the finger pokes; the more robust and friendly the wave returned.

Being a bit more inclined to accidently pull in front of people, fall asleep at traffic signals, and attract the crazies like flowers draw bees, I am forced to use this technique a little more often than your normal driver. As the angry long horn-honker tries to make it clear that his is not a friendly gesture…I perservere. The more the other guy shakes his digit and mouths words of obscenity about my mother, the more I smile and wave. Eventually the road rage behind the finger is fully spent. The highway terrorist almost gives up in frustration and simply waves back weakly.

Randy R. Cox

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